Sometimes you cry when you listen to sad music. Sometimes you cry before you press play. But most times you cry all the time because you know you’re dreaming and you will wake up sooner or later. The thing about dreams is that you never know you are dreaming while you are dreaming, everything seems eternal and real but when you wake up you realize it was an ephemeral illusion. And you cry.
I cry all the time, or I like to believe that I do. I am dreaming right this second but at another I won’t know I am. And I know I hate waking up. Not that I have awoken yet, on the contrary; I am still dreaming. But in this dream, you know. This dream is unlike the other dreams. The other dreams are dreams within this dream. This dream is colossal. Everyone is floating in it and about it and all around it. And we know we will wake up one time. But that’s the problem. If we know it is a dream, how come it is a dream? One of the properties of dreams is that they are involuntary illusions while they last, we are ignorant of their happening until the moment of awakening. However, this one is different. We know it is a dream yet we have not woken up. Why is it a dream?
I cry because I am human. Because I eat and sleep and love and sin. Because I know it doesn’t last and I want it to. Because it’s stifling. Because it’s excruciating to know things don’t last. Because this dream is not. Because this is a nightmare.
I hate to think I will wake up. But I want to so I can at least get rid of the torment holding onto me, the torment of waking up.
I want amnesia to visit me. I want all my memories to vanish. I want to have nothing left. I want to not know anyone. I want to not love anyone. I want to not remember anything. I want to go into space. Without the white suit. Without the helmet. I want to leave that way. Depart upwards and let the universe envelope me completely and swallow up everything of what I am because I am not a who.
I want to open my palms and find stars.
I want to close my eyes and find true love.
I want to open my arms and hug you.
I want to close myself and dance.
I want to cry and be happy.
I want to die and not know it.
— written at 4:43 AM, August 29, after watching The Curious Case of Benjamin Button